Mind your Peas and Q's

today i realized how much i actually hate peas. sure they seem innocent enough, but those little bastards pack a mean punch. I didn't know to what extent these little veggies bothered me until they showed up in abundance in my otherwise tasty fried rice. Sometimes i don't even like to eat a mixed bite of food. i like to have the option of eating all the pieces separately. Peas do not give me that option. They're Green, They're Mean, and they want to be In Every Damn Bite.

My issue with these are that due to their shape and size they are quite difficult to sepparate from the dish they are bumrushing. and their size belies their taste. no matter the size of the bite you're taking, the pea taste overpowers completely. this i have a problem with. I am of the "no food should out do the other food you're eating school". Huge chunk of cheese with a cracker crumb? no dice. Pizza covered in Sauce and/or cheese? Absolutely not. that will (and has) require a dismantling of said pie until the tastes are evenly distributed. this same ideal goes for pretty much everything i eat.

Call me a control freak, i don't mind, however i prefer the much more genteel title of "The Great Equalizer". i strive for all foodkind to be represented equally within each dish, and that regardless of size, color or texture they can expect to be tasted in every bite.

Looking in all the right places but not finding "it"

i'm sorry that i continue to look. i'm not doing it to find someone better, by all accounts you probably are the best, but not on all fronts. and that's confusing. i don't want to hurt you, but i know i will end up doing just that. not on purpose, but because that's what i tend to do. there are so many reasons why we are perfect. crosswords and music, humor and vocabulary, the fact that you are probably one of the nicest people in the entire world. these things create check after check on the old relationship checklist. but. there is something lacking, something i wish i could override with the enormous number of plusses...but. i'm not sure i can.

i've been trying, i tried from the first time we ever went out as if we were more than just friends. remember how awkward it was? it just wasn't us. so i put the axe to the whole thing. and then i hurt your feelings that time. and i didn't think i would ever recover if you didn't want to be my friend anymore. but we survived. we became closer. and one day i felt my feelings began to shift. i began to wonder what it would feel like to kiss you, sleep next to you. but now i know.

i admit that i made the first move. i knew you wouldn't since i had said weeks before that we couldn't be together, that and you Never Make The First Move for anything. it isn't in your character, which is kind of part of the afore mentioned "but". i usually drift towards individuals who are pro-active. want more, need more...are not afraid to go for it. you're settled already. you're 27. you have a great job that you seem to enjoy, you'll stay there.

but here's the rub...i don't like kissing you. kissing is big for me, and, we don't have "it". we have friend chemistry down pat, you and i being basically male and female versions of ourselves, but bedroom? not so much. we have the makings for the perfect relationship you and i. and yet, we don't. what do i do? how do i fix this? can i? you would never intentionally hurt me. you would always "take care" of me which so many girls are looking for. i'm not. and even that idea can't negate that one or two checks against you. you just don't have that passion that i need. that's the closest i can get to an explaination.

you're not going to move around. and that's fine, but it's not for me. i'm leaving you know. soon. which is probably why i let myself change around my feelings. i won't have to deal with the emotional challanges that this situation poses after a couple more months. i'll be gone. we can go back to the friend thing by necessity, not because i'm a bad person and went cold on you. why must i be this way?

so i'm at a stalemate. i don't know quite what to do. and i'm sorry. i just. i'm just confused.