Philly yes. Philly no.

Well. i have no idea what i should do. i've been out of school for almost a year now, and i'm practically in the same boat i was in then, only now i have student loans to pay. life just gets better and better. and now in 30 days i will no longer have a place to live in philly.

i kinda jumped the gun a little on the whole get out of philly thing. one day i just woke up and was like "i'm leaving by may 31st." Right. good one. i realize now that it isn't philly that i was in a hurry to get out of, but my job. the job that has sucked all of my time and energy from my post-collegiate life. it has now become clear to me that you can not have a 30+ hour a week job and also actively pursue another career. there just isn't enough time in the day. well, at least i know.

the good news is that i have got back on the audition circuit. i wasn't auditioning for awhile because #1 i didn't have time to go and #2 if i happened to get something it was going to be difficult to leave my job. but i'm going again. so that's good. what would be better would be not having to go to many more because i got a job. however, until then i'll just keep plugging away.

There’s an audition this wknd for a pretty well known company here in philly. I know I should go, since it’s my personal rule to go to any audition here, but, I really don’t wanna go. Or, I’m not sure if I want to go. It’ll be so strange, full of people that I went to school with, people I’ve been taking classes with. The auditioner being someone I’ve been taking classes regularly with, which I suppose is an ideal situation. But the more I think about it, the less I actually want the job. I mean, it’s a well known fact that this man is kind of a terror to work for. He expects perfection and is known to verbally abuse his dancers. But, who doesn’t? it’s pretty much par for the course in this biz. But if by some twist of fate I get this job, could I sign on for something (and someone) who I know could make my life pretty frickin’ miserable? I’m not sure. I mean, there’s a pretty good chance that any choreographer/company director (male or female) could be absolutely terrible people to work for. But I wouldn’t know before hand. With him I know it for a fact. And then, do I want to stay in philly? I don’t know. Would I enjoy his work? I don’t know. Should I just pick up and move on? I don’t know. That’s pretty much my most used phrase. I have no idea what to do with myself. Rather, I know What to do, but actually being able to do it is another story all together.

My biggest fear is if I move to New York I will be swallowed up. But which is worse, being swallowed up or wading in shallow water without any room to swim. At least with deep water there’s room to move, space to flail and gain some experience be it good or bad. Who’s to say that if I stay in philly for another few months not working at a full time job it will be any different from last year? I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be different, maybe not.