weights.

My mood is palpable. It’s as if a heavy drape has been placed around me, as if I am Charlie Brown with a small rain cloud that follows him, as if mistake after mistake that I’ve made are now stacking themselves on my shoulders and head and weighing me down.

It isn’t entirely work related, although that’s how it began. But since my life right now is a little less than a straight and narrow path with no infringements, no road blocks, no potholes, everything is just coming together to reek havoc on my state of mind.

The day is gorgeous but I only know because the window is open.

Yesterday made me want to quit 3 weeks early so that I wouldn’t have to deal with this mess. Angry fathers and daughters giving me a piece of their mind via phone, and soon face to face. Giving them part of my paycheck by way of free appetizers to appease them. I fucked up. It’s my fault. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I just don’t care, oh wait, I do. And that’s the problem.

Get me out of here.

Through that window into the outside world.

Where I can get rid of these weights.

Philly yes. Philly no.

Well. i have no idea what i should do. i've been out of school for almost a year now, and i'm practically in the same boat i was in then, only now i have student loans to pay. life just gets better and better. and now in 30 days i will no longer have a place to live in philly.

i kinda jumped the gun a little on the whole get out of philly thing. one day i just woke up and was like "i'm leaving by may 31st." Right. good one. i realize now that it isn't philly that i was in a hurry to get out of, but my job. the job that has sucked all of my time and energy from my post-collegiate life. it has now become clear to me that you can not have a 30+ hour a week job and also actively pursue another career. there just isn't enough time in the day. well, at least i know.

the good news is that i have got back on the audition circuit. i wasn't auditioning for awhile because #1 i didn't have time to go and #2 if i happened to get something it was going to be difficult to leave my job. but i'm going again. so that's good. what would be better would be not having to go to many more because i got a job. however, until then i'll just keep plugging away.

There’s an audition this wknd for a pretty well known company here in philly. I know I should go, since it’s my personal rule to go to any audition here, but, I really don’t wanna go. Or, I’m not sure if I want to go. It’ll be so strange, full of people that I went to school with, people I’ve been taking classes with. The auditioner being someone I’ve been taking classes regularly with, which I suppose is an ideal situation. But the more I think about it, the less I actually want the job. I mean, it’s a well known fact that this man is kind of a terror to work for. He expects perfection and is known to verbally abuse his dancers. But, who doesn’t? it’s pretty much par for the course in this biz. But if by some twist of fate I get this job, could I sign on for something (and someone) who I know could make my life pretty frickin’ miserable? I’m not sure. I mean, there’s a pretty good chance that any choreographer/company director (male or female) could be absolutely terrible people to work for. But I wouldn’t know before hand. With him I know it for a fact. And then, do I want to stay in philly? I don’t know. Would I enjoy his work? I don’t know. Should I just pick up and move on? I don’t know. That’s pretty much my most used phrase. I have no idea what to do with myself. Rather, I know What to do, but actually being able to do it is another story all together.

My biggest fear is if I move to New York I will be swallowed up. But which is worse, being swallowed up or wading in shallow water without any room to swim. At least with deep water there’s room to move, space to flail and gain some experience be it good or bad. Who’s to say that if I stay in philly for another few months not working at a full time job it will be any different from last year? I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be different, maybe not.

Mind your Peas and Q's

today i realized how much i actually hate peas. sure they seem innocent enough, but those little bastards pack a mean punch. I didn't know to what extent these little veggies bothered me until they showed up in abundance in my otherwise tasty fried rice. Sometimes i don't even like to eat a mixed bite of food. i like to have the option of eating all the pieces separately. Peas do not give me that option. They're Green, They're Mean, and they want to be In Every Damn Bite.

My issue with these are that due to their shape and size they are quite difficult to sepparate from the dish they are bumrushing. and their size belies their taste. no matter the size of the bite you're taking, the pea taste overpowers completely. this i have a problem with. I am of the "no food should out do the other food you're eating school". Huge chunk of cheese with a cracker crumb? no dice. Pizza covered in Sauce and/or cheese? Absolutely not. that will (and has) require a dismantling of said pie until the tastes are evenly distributed. this same ideal goes for pretty much everything i eat.

Call me a control freak, i don't mind, however i prefer the much more genteel title of "The Great Equalizer". i strive for all foodkind to be represented equally within each dish, and that regardless of size, color or texture they can expect to be tasted in every bite.

Looking in all the right places but not finding "it"

i'm sorry that i continue to look. i'm not doing it to find someone better, by all accounts you probably are the best, but not on all fronts. and that's confusing. i don't want to hurt you, but i know i will end up doing just that. not on purpose, but because that's what i tend to do. there are so many reasons why we are perfect. crosswords and music, humor and vocabulary, the fact that you are probably one of the nicest people in the entire world. these things create check after check on the old relationship checklist. but. there is something lacking, something i wish i could override with the enormous number of plusses...but. i'm not sure i can.

i've been trying, i tried from the first time we ever went out as if we were more than just friends. remember how awkward it was? it just wasn't us. so i put the axe to the whole thing. and then i hurt your feelings that time. and i didn't think i would ever recover if you didn't want to be my friend anymore. but we survived. we became closer. and one day i felt my feelings began to shift. i began to wonder what it would feel like to kiss you, sleep next to you. but now i know.

i admit that i made the first move. i knew you wouldn't since i had said weeks before that we couldn't be together, that and you Never Make The First Move for anything. it isn't in your character, which is kind of part of the afore mentioned "but". i usually drift towards individuals who are pro-active. want more, need more...are not afraid to go for it. you're settled already. you're 27. you have a great job that you seem to enjoy, you'll stay there.

but here's the rub...i don't like kissing you. kissing is big for me, and, we don't have "it". we have friend chemistry down pat, you and i being basically male and female versions of ourselves, but bedroom? not so much. we have the makings for the perfect relationship you and i. and yet, we don't. what do i do? how do i fix this? can i? you would never intentionally hurt me. you would always "take care" of me which so many girls are looking for. i'm not. and even that idea can't negate that one or two checks against you. you just don't have that passion that i need. that's the closest i can get to an explaination.

you're not going to move around. and that's fine, but it's not for me. i'm leaving you know. soon. which is probably why i let myself change around my feelings. i won't have to deal with the emotional challanges that this situation poses after a couple more months. i'll be gone. we can go back to the friend thing by necessity, not because i'm a bad person and went cold on you. why must i be this way?

so i'm at a stalemate. i don't know quite what to do. and i'm sorry. i just. i'm just confused.

okay, well. off to a rocky start on the whole productivity thing. not so much did i get to the gym this morning before work. forgetting to turn on your alarm is not conducive to pre-work activity let alone actually getting to work on time.

it doesn't help that it is tuesday. my least favorite day of the week. payroll day. and if you're wondering if i should be doing it Right Now because it is due in like 40min. and i'm only half done, you would be correct. what can i say, i'm a real go-getter.

Today:
i will finish payroll and not be distracted by the siren calls of the internet.
i will call my mom
i will call my dad
and tiff too.
i will go to the gym after work
i will go to superfresh
i will stop sucking at life.

I'm pretty sure that i can handle all this, but i'm not making too many promises. you know cuz let down's a bitch.

off to the guilleteen i go. perhaps i will check in later.

don't hate me because i'm lazy. hate me because i enjoy it.

okay friends. a new leaf has been turned and productivity was on the other side. hooray! i'm coming off of an absurdly unconstructive weekend. after getting home at 4am Saturday, i didn't leave my house until 3pm Sunday. i'll repeat that. i Didn't leave my House until 3PM on SUNDAY. and what, you might ask, finally pushed me out the door? was it the need for fresh air? to stretch my legs? to visit with friends? No no silly rabbit, i went to 7-11 to buy Tostito's and Chocolate milk. yes. and what a match they make. i did learn a very important lesson however, when given the choice between Nesquik and Hershey's, Nesquik is the correct answer. but i digress. and lest you think my quench for home was squelched. rest assured that i went back indoors and only left to go to a friends house to watch Soprano's. at 8:30. i'm disgusting.

and what did i do for 24 hours in my house?
Did i fold my laundry and put it away? No. But i did fold half of it and then decide walking across the room to my dresser was a bit of a hike so i put it all back in the hamper.
Did i clean the bathroom? No, but i did take a shower right before my Milk and Chips run. that's at least 18 hours into my personal house arrest for anyone who's keeping count.
Did i Clean the kitchen? No. But i did make a mean cheese dip with salsa and vegetarian chili.
Did i balance my check book? call my mom? did i catch up on emails? No. nope. not a chance. But i did surf the internet until my eyeballs bled, watched enough law & order SVU to make me sleep with the lights on, and slept so much i gave myself a headache. but for some reason, it made me psyched up to run full speed into the week.

Enter Productivity Leaf Stage Left:
i have decided to go to the gym each morning before work so that i can get my ridiculously Slothfull and Loser Ass In Shape. it's audition season kids and mama needs a new job.

Also on my list of to-do's is to actually do some more writing. not that i've been getting emails with unhappy icons somberly expressing their sadness at my very intermittant blogs, because, i most certainly have not. my four readers could really give a rats ass. regardless, this is good for me. i need to work on my consistency kids, and if i say i'ma gonna do it, by gum i Will! ahem.

I might even look into some summer type plans/jobs. it is creeping up on us however slowly we may think the warmth is coming, oh man, it is Right around the corner.

So there you have it. if you're still with me here at the end of this rant. this is Pro-Active Maxx. She's ready. She's willing. And she's able to follow through with more things than just waking up in the morning and shutting off her alarm. i even thought of what i want to do in grad-school if i go. (congrats Tiff!!)

And now i'm off to the shower (oh yes, the second in two days...is it a record? God i hope not.) And back to curly hair tomorrow too.

Shirts Lie

okay, i'm all about self expression. i myself have The most killer t-shirt idea that i cannot reveal here, because it will be stolen and sold to Urban(e) in a matter of seconds. but, i feel as though these t-shirt slogans must be true for the person for them to make any sort of sense and to make any sort of point. So: to all you "shorties" that belie the name. take off the damn shirt. to all you "Yes, they're real", no they're not and everyone can tell, if you don the "cutie", "hottie" or "blondes do it better" (and i will tell you right now that they most definitely do Not...) you better be able to show the goods. and if god forbid any of these mis-advertisements adorn your keister, (that includes "Dancer", pawprints, or a school name) please realize that if you're over 13 you're too old for that shit, and if you're 13 or younger you're too young to have people reading your ass. so basically ix-ne on the ass-writing-a, or whatever (i'm not bi-lingual with the pig latin, i must've missed that day in 3rd grade). so yes. that is that. and if you see me on the street and i have a shirt that says "I'm cooler than you" you better believe it's the truth.

a toast to awkwardness

i've been putting this off for awhile. not putting it off like i put off doing work everyday and google useless information in loo of productivity. but putting it off because the laziness factor in my life is disturbingly high. i disturb myself with my inability to follow through with pretty much anything that i begin. it's a shame really, since i do enjoy it all once i begin. but i digress. in honor of the Toad i have decided to re-start my blog. You and your snarkiness have inspired me! atta boy. and since i do find his humor, well, humerous, it seems we are now engaged. anyway, until i work up the energy to manually move all my old blogs to my new archives (yes, i recognize the contradictory nature of that phrase), go ahead and satisfy your urge to read up on me and my mishaps by clicking this. gosh i love people who are self sufficient.